Hunter Inboxes
by Cherrie
Summary: [uploaded: Illumi Zoldick's inbox] Ever wondered what it's like to see the inboxes of the Hunters? (Warning: Hisoka - major nonsense)
1. Hisoka's Inbox

Standard disclaimers apply here. 

Not an original idea. Originality credits go to Mary Lou () and her Harry Potter comedy fanfic, Hogwarts Got Email ^.^ Yeah, it was slash (nothing's worth reading in HP without Draco anyway --how shallow ^^;), so since that's my inspiration, it goes without saying that this will be yaoi. Just thought I should warn you =P

**HISOKA'S INBOX  
part 1 of the Hunter Inbox series**

From: thespidersucks@kurutaclan.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: 1001 interesting things you can do if you're boyfriend is a doctor and there's a brown-out and you're a~ll alone...  
  
First of all, ever heard of cutting your subjects short? They're not called subjects for nothing.  
  
Second, I do not know WHY you even sent me this disturbing email, and I think I do not wish to know. The mind of an eccentric is difficult to understand. Especially yours. You're one to put those people in mental asylums to shame.   
  
May the spirits bless you, Hisoka. You need all the help you can get.  
  
-- Kurapika  
  
PS  
Item #578 is NOT physically possible.   
  
=====  
  
From: thespidersucks@kurutaclan.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: #578 - It IS possible! (attachment)  
  
Oh holy ancestors of Kuruta...my virgin eyes...!!! Damn it, Hisoka, just what the hell do you think you're...ugh!!!  
  
Oh no. Gon just came. He SAW you worthless piece of scum! Gon's but a child! For goodness' sake, _**I** _am but a child! You're going to be DEAD even before you can sleep tonight, clown.  
  
=====  
  
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: you sick psycho!!!  
  
Gon came to me last night. He couldn't sleep because he's having "dark, awful and very much disturbing nightmares". You've been sending him those perverted messages again, haven't you!? You sick, SICK one-man-circus! Leave Gon alone or else!  
  
=====  
  
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Like you can do anything...  
  
Don't underestimate me, Hisoka. I may be so much younger from you, but I can inflict major damage.   
  
How?   
  
One word: Aniki  
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: I MISS YOU~!!!  
  
You _idiot_!! I told you to stop sending these types of messages to me! As I have told you before, I don't have my own computer and I merely ask to borrow Milluki's whenever I need to use one. That boy never leaves his computers alone, so it goes without saying that he's looming over my back, checking every once in a while if I'm treating his "babies" well.   
  
*reads the message over and over again* I can't believe you wrote this. I just came to the conclusion that you're truly sick, Hisoka. You're a pathetic sap and I _really_ would like to know why I even put up with you.   
  
Signed,  
I. Zoldick  
  
PS  
Hisoka...Machi?  
  
=====  
  
From: bluehaired_goddess@spider.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: I MISS YOU~!!!  
  
*glares menacingly* You are SO dead, clown. I understand that that Zoldick guy was pretty cute, but you don't have to push it to my face! Besides, like I really care. If this is your way of making me jealous, it is SO not working.   
  
I will never speak to you again!  
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Oh shite...  
  
^.^  
  
Aah, so you that was why I got my mail addressed to Machi. Yes, "Oh shite..." is definitely right. Have I ever told you that you can be pretty dumb sometimes? How's your little girlfriend coping? Hm...just a few days ago, Killua wrote to me asking for a favor I'm now starting to reconsider.   
  
But no, Hisoka, much as the image of you "begging for forgiveness while crawling down on knees across a field of burning embers" seemed like a good thought, I'm not going to be so cruel as to punish you like that. And...I never thought you're the poetic type. You do realize that I found that piece of information utterly creepy, right?   
  
Anyway, that doesn't change the fact that you need to earn my forgiveness. How about you just be my slave for a whole week? >=P  
  
Signed,  
I. Zoldick  
  
=====  
  
From: bluehaired_goddess@spider.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Aw, come on...sure he's hot, but you're hot too!!!  
  
*looks at above title and twitches*   
  
*readies her nen threads*  
  
Kill...  
  
=====  
  
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: It wasn't me! It was Kurapika!!!  
  
Yeah right, like I'd believe that. Kurapika would never look at such things, he's too conservative for that. As if. Kurapika seeing porn, what a laugh, hahaha--  
  
o.O??  
  
=====  
  
From: thespidersucks@kurutaclan.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: I'm going to KILL YOU!!!  
  
How DARE you even mention such a thing to Killua!?!? Don't you realize that I have a reputation to uphold!?!?!?!?!?!? Gon and Killua...*seethes in place* If Leorio finds out you're going to wish you're in Hell, you demented lunatic!  
  
=====  
  
From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: About Machi  
  
A recent incident has to come to my attention and I must say, I'm terribly disturbed. Allow me to tell you a story. This morning, a nice old lady came strolling by the the main road of the city and wanted to get to the other side. But her aged legs cannot endure the speeding cars, so she looked around to see if there's anybody in close proximity to ask for help from. And lo! Who else did she see but our beloved Machi?

So the nice old lady approached the young girl with the pretty blue hair and asked, "My dear, would you please help a nice old lady cross the road?" Machi, seemingly in the midst of cursing the small pebble beneath her feet, stared at the nice old lady, obviously still not in her proper mental composure, and shrugged indifferently and said, "Ah, whatever." And so, the nice old lady had a "sweet", young, blue-haired lass help her across. 

Now, one weak human in the verge of decomposing is all right, but after Machi's little escapade, pedestrians must've though that she's some stupid girl scout and started asking for her help as well. Apparently, our dear one had nothing else to do and being that she's not in the mood to roll her eyes at humanity, she simply allowed herself to be passed around like some commercial sign-post with the words, "Let me help spread peace on Earth" plastered on her forehead. 

Do you realize the fatal implications this may cause the group? If my point isn't obvious to you yet, I have no idea what kind of righteous mind you have. A Geneiryodan! Helping society! I will have none of it, do you hear!?  
  
Make up with Machi or else.  
  
Signed,  
  
KURORO  
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan  
The coolest character EVER  
In your face, Kurapika!  
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: ;_;  
  
What the hell did I do to you now? Hisoka, I swear, stop sending me these love letters or I'm _really_ going to snap a needle down your spine.  
  
And no, I do _not_ like flowers. And please stop it with the poetry. You're _seriously_ starting to scare me.  
  
Also, forget about the slave thing. Like I'm stupid enough to live under the same roof as you. I may be an assassin, but I regard myself as an innocent when it comes to matters concerning _you_. And besides, you actually sounded so happy about it that it isn't considered a punishment anymore. Damn pervert.   
  
Signed,  
I. Zoldick  
  
=====  
  
From: bluehaired_goddess@spider.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Look at what Illumi-san sent me  
  
I've known sea slugs having more dignity than you! The nice old lady was right. I deserve so much more while _you_ deserve to be tied on a railroad track!

Attached file: ithinkthisoneisformachisan.txt  
  
=====  
  
From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Re: About Machi  
  
Now she's off stealing for fun. She actually doesn't care about what she steals that the items end up scattered around the city. People think a miracle is happening and the parishes are as full as ever.   
  
She's actually helping Catholicism! For cryin' out loud, what does the inverted cross on my beautiful forehead stand for anyway!?!?!?

Signed,  
  
KURORO  
Geneiryodan leader  
The coolest character EVER  
In your face, Kurapika!  
  
=====  
  
From: handsome_leorio@ischarming.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: *suspicious glare*  
  
Kurapika, Gon and Killua are all suffering from the same illnesses. They've developed insomnia since a few days ago and can't seem to close their eyes without shuddering about something. I tried asking them, but the only coherent word I got from them was: "Hisoka"  
  
Have you been harassing them again?  
  
- Leorio  
  
=====  
  
From: handsome_leorio@ischarming.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Serves them right!  
  
Nobody, NOBODY deserves to suffer! Put that inside that thick skull of yours, sadist! And what do you mean that Illumi hates you because of Killua? Look, Killua would never attack you if you didn't do anything to initiate the action.   
  
Think about it and 'fess up. What did you do to them!?  
  
- Leorio  
  
PS  
You and Illumi are an item? I thought that was just some sick joke the judges pulled off at the Hunter Exam o.O!!! I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks...  
  
=====  
  
From: handsome_leorio@ischarming.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Don't be stupid, I just had Illumi on my bed a few months ago!  
  
*pales*  
  
I know I'm a bit of a pervert - or so Kurapika accuses - but damn...  
  
Does "too much information" ring a bell to you, sicko??  
  
=====  
  
From: genius@spider.com  
To: GeneiRyodan@spider_group.com  
Subject: About Danchou  
  
Dear Fellow Spiders,  
  
17:58, Friday, October 24th, our dear danchou was admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital due to an unfortunate incident that happened on the very same day. It seems as though our leader casually walked along a sidewalk across a cathedral and got mobbed by a bunch of Church loyalists who demanded that he take away all that is "evil" in him. 40 civilians were admitted to the same hospital; a result of danchou trying to defend himself (isn't he great?). But these people were possessed, Coltopi and I saw them, and they were all but tearing at his forehead.   
  
Danchou is alive, but he wishes to send his curses to Hisoka. I quote: "Curse you for clouding Machi's mind. Don't you dare go to Hell in death lest you want extra treatment from me. Let the other side deal with you."   
  
One with you all,  
Shalnark  
  
=====  
  
From: genius@spider.com  
To: GeneiRyodan@spider_group.com  
Subject: Re: Oh, so now we're the musketeers too?  
  
Oh haha, Hisoka-san.   
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Everybody hates me...  
  
You're but a poor, poor soul, Hisoka. And with all due respect, what kind of stupid deity would possess you to accuse me of breaking up with you? You idiot, we're not even an item to begin with! Have you been mistaking your messages for Machi with me again or are you doing this to deliberately piss me off?  
  
I just heard that Killua's sick. Also, Kuroro's in a hospital named after a saint. He now wants me to bring him flowers just for the hell of it. I hate flowers. Wonderful. Next thing you know Milluki's off to dance the Swan Lake in a pink tutu.   
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Noo!!! You and Kuroro?!?!?  
  
*twitch* You pervert, of course not!   
  
But since you're interested, yes, I find Kuroro far more companionable than you.   
  
=====  
  
From: genius@spider.com  
To: GeneiRyodan@spider_group.com  
Subject: Re: I'm gonna kill danchou, but it's not my fault, okay?  
  
".........."  
  
=====  
  
From: sushi_geek@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: How's about a few extra cash?  
  
Mister, I'm a ZOLDICK. We hold one of the biggest collection of wealth in the world and you're offering me a few digits?? Aniki will kill me if I so much as touch a tutu. And besides, if you want anybody to cross-dress, ask him for God's sakes. He passes off as a woman any time he wishes to for cryin' out loud!  
  
Been hacking through Aniki's inbox. Gawd, I can't believe you both haven't figured it out yet. Blockheads. Anyway, mama's going to throw a fit if she finds out what you two have been up to...*grins*   
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: You suck  
  
*Big* time.  
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: I suck all right, but I'll be happier if the sucking has you involved  
  
--!!!

You...you--PERVERT!!! You and Milluki are going to die and just TRY and guess whose fault it is...!!!

*shudders* Oh damn...I feel like a bunch of worms are crawling up my leg. *shudders again* Shit, I won't be able to sleep for _days_...

=====  
  
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Now Leorio's sick too...  
  
Oh, you are in SO much trouble!  
  
You can't say I didn't warn you...this goes for Gon and Kurapika, too. Hail the genius minds of ye, a Zoldick!  
  
=====  
  
From: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Fw: Don't be stupid, I just had Illumi on my bed a few months ago!  
  
Technology is a wonder, no? You'd think the disgusting joke you sent to me last time was enough but no. It merely took my brother a button for him to send such an outrage to me, and might I add, I could've lived not knowing exactly what was inside of this particular message. 

*twitch* Explain this monstrosity in 10 words or less before I go over there and personally cut your head off. And if you ask me something as stupid as "which head?" I'm going to personally make sure to cut them _both_. 

=====

From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: I hate you...

Yeah, I hate you too. Isn't that just peachy? ^____________________^

=====

From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Illumi-san hates me now! 0

Psh, come on, Illumi hates everything! He hates me, he hates Milluki, he hates Gon, he hates sushi, he hates hotdogs, he hates vegetables, he hates rats, he hates cute and fluffy things, he hates sunny weather, he hates flowers most especially...

Ehh, you get the point, ne? =^o^=

=====

From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: joker@trumpcard.com  
Subject: Re: Machi and Illumi...maybe I should just jump off a jagged cliff...

What a friggin' two-timer. 

Anyway, I think it's a good idea. You know, give the world a break! It deserves a bit of sanity and peace every once in a while, right? 

Why do you confide these problems to me anyway? I'm not your guidance counselor, and I'm quite sure I'm not because I heard you pushed your childhood adviser off the building because she tried taking away the strawberry lollipop out of your mouth during class hours. 

What a freak. I mean, why strawberry if there's chocolate?

Hm...that's it as far as Hisoka-san's inbox is concerned. There is no obvious conclusion really, but who ever said that Hisoka's life was meant to have happy endings anyway? ^^ It would be so much fun trying to get into his outbox just to see those messages, but I can't seem to get inside that folder...*sighs*

Feedbacks would be wonderful! I mean, I didn't risk my own neck getting this for nothing =P


	2. Illumi's Inbox

Standard disclaimers apply. Thank you for the nice feedbacks you gave me, they were all wonderful! Here's part 2 ^0^

**ILLUMI'S INBOX  
part 2 of the Hunter Inbox series**

From: myfamilywillruletheworld@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Happy birthday, son!

To my eldest child,

Allow me to greet you on this very special day. Your elders - namely your mother, your grandfathers, your grandmother (who until now I haven't seen for months...your grandfather said she's died drinking too much rum, but let's not jump to conclusions, shall we?) and I - are very proud of you. You have become a good example for your brothers and for your sister. For twenty-six years you have proven yourself worthy of the name "Zoldick", and we are very happy that until now you haven't ended up with a bullet on your head or a dagger down your throat. 

Now, down to business. It has come to my attention that until now, you still have not found a suitable partner. I shall remind you that it really isn't necessary, giving that you refused the part of being my heir (your mother still grieves because of it, but we still decided to let things be). But...it is very peculiar that you are nearing your thirties and you still have not presented anybody to us. We believe that you are just the kind of man who is not interested in such things, but your grandmother presented to us an interesting question...well, before she disappeared anyway. Actually, there's another point she raised, but I suggested that we keep that one to ourselves unless...certain difficulties and misunderstandings may arise. Anyway, I'll ask you the first issue instead: 

Illumi...are you gay? 

Aah, now don't be upset (though I doubt you actually would be...ah, my own son is a mystery, but that's not so bad - you make the Zoldick's proud!). It is a simple and relative question, and regardless of the answer, I repeat that you are not my heir and it would hardly matter unless you start cross-dressing and parade around town as a drag-queen with your name plastered on your forehead - _that_ I shall not allow regardless of the fact that you'd actually look good in a dress-- 

--But of course, I shouldn't have said that. For a birthday greeting, this has gone much too long. It is a problem you see. I'm not very fond of talking, but I suppose it's different as far as writing is concerned. Oh well. Just keep this to yourself, okay? Your mother will scratch my mouth off for that last remark if she finds out. 

*ahem* Again, happy birthday! From a father to his son, I wish you all the best. 

Your father,  
Sillva Zoldick

PS  
Milluki made a new domain for us. I suggest you change your address with it. It has a better ring to it, don't you think?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: joker@trumpcard.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: Somebody killed and replaced my father

Ooooohh~~*tackles and glomps Illu* Happy birthday Illumi-kun~!! Ooh, I love birthdays! It's also good too because I love presents! I also love food, birthday goodies...and I love Illumi-kun too~!! *claps happily and sings* Happy birthday to you~~~

Aaw, but it's just awful. How come you didn't tell me this before? I didn't know your birthday is celebrated today! I could've given you a reallyreallyreallyREALLY nice present! Oh, now I feel bad...ah! But I know! Ne ne, come to my place as soon as you can and I'll give you the BEST gift you'll never forget EVER~!! ^.~

Lots of love and kisses and hugs and flowers because it's your birthday,  
~ Hisoka

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: gonchan@kyoukaput.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Happy birthday, Illumi-san!

Hisoka and Killua and Nobunaga-san told me the occasion, so happy birthday! Nobunaga-san knew I think from Machi-san, who knew from Hisoka. Oh well, they just mentioned it, but I thought that wouldn't it be nice if I greet him on his birthday also even if he tried to steal away my best friend a few years ago, so Happy Birthday, Illumi-san! I wish you all the best! Spend your time with your bestest friend and things will go well!!! ^_____________^ 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: That...grin! *shudders*

Heh, well, that's Gon for you. He likes birthdays. Of course, that thing about spending your time with your best friend never really penetrated in his head much. We all know Hisoka's your best friend (and I still say you're a freak for that), so yeah, enjoy your day with him, if you know what I mean...*grins*

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: joker@trumpcard.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: You freak, did you even read what I wrote?? 

Woops, I forgot that I had more things to say after that! ^0^ Hahaha, forgive me Illumi-kun, I guess I'll just have to make it up to you soon~ (fufufufufufu...)

Yes now, what was I supposed to say? Le'see~~yes, your father. Aaw, I think your daddy's just excited. It's not everyday that your son becomes a year older. Of course, I suppose people would get used to birthdays when their child's already past twenty, but hey, people are weird, right? And you said so yourself, your dad's gone nuts. So yeah, there's your problem, tada! Booyah, I'm so smart! ^.^

I miss you so much come here soooooooon, ne ne Illumi-kun~?

Much hearts and smoochies (aaw, if the flowers are from me you'd treasure them forever, won't you~?),  
~ Hisoka

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: I'm forwarding Hisoka's latest messages, and YOU be the judge of things

Gaah! I think I just lost 10,000 brain cells reading that crap! 

*sighs* So what they say is true. When a Zoldick gets a friend, he goes for the stupid ones. But hey, at least Gon's sane. 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: Oh for cryin' out loud...

Illumi-san, how nice of you to write to me. I understand that you have made it perfectly clear that you only did so because you have no one else to write to (yes, I do understand that Hisoka-san can be quite unbearable sometimes - 'sometimes' being a _huge_ understatement), but nevertheless, I'm honored to help you with your social crisis.

Oh, and yes, before I forget. Happy birthday! Our dear magician came to the group and mentioned the occasion. It goes without saying that he was left hanging down the city bridge soon after that. I suggest you refrain from crossing Machi's path for the time being. She and Hisoka have been having quite a few difficulties lately, and I believe it involves you. Not to worry though, it's not your fault - of course unless beauty nowadays is a crime. *sighs* It's a pity really. Us beautiful people are almost always being persecuted. Take Kurapika for one. He (I swear it's a 'she', but Hisoka insisted *shrugs*) hates me so much because he can't accept the fact that he isn't the best-looking character in Hunter X Hunter. Sure he surpasses Neon Nostrard and the other female characters (don't tell Paku or Machi, okay?), but that's as far as he goes. Bitterness, you know...it's a disease.

But I digress. Back to Hisoka and Machi. I've told you about them back at the hospital, haven't I? Oh, and do allow me to thank you for the gifts. A basket of...Get Well Soon cards were a nice replacement for flowers, though just a single card would've sufficed. You could've just told me you hated flowers, then perhaps you could've saved your energy when you trampled on them on your way because 'you couldn't stand the vile things', according to one of my sources. Oh no, not to worry, you are not being spied on (unless of course you include Hisoka's regular stalking sprees, of which I'm quite sure you've suffered more than once). One of my group members just spotted you on his way across the street. It was pure coincidence, I assure you. 

Anyway, this has gone long I'm afraid. Forgive me, but there really isn't any decent conversationalist around this place. They're all too intimidated by me, you see. I'm not sure whether they're afraid of me because of my immense powers or because of my insurmountable beauty. Perhaps both. What do you think, Illumi-san?

Truly,

KURORO   
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan  
The coolest character EVER  
In your face, Kurapika!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: ishouldbethefrigginheir@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Hehe!

Oh wow, you're pathetic! I see that you've just recently erased all the messages from your inbox (and with good reasons too with that clown running around...*looks at the messages*...but then again, he's still poking around, isn't he?), but it looks to me that you'll have to have a general cleaning again, eh? As I've said, your insane boyfriend's still running around chasing after you. Hm...question! Doesn't it bother you that you have to share that psycho with another person? And a GIRL to boot! Talk about an intense rivalry. But hey, like dad said, it really isn't that bad seeing that you can rival any girl off the ramp anyway. =P And don't give me your usual "Oh fuck you Milluki get a job" speech as an excuse because practically everyone you know said the same thing about you. Even our own dad said so, though of course he took it back, but that's only because he's got a screeching car tire for a wife. (tell mama and I'll tell everyone you've been fucking around with a clown)

Oh yeah, why won't you get a new email address anyway? Don'cha like the new domain? I mean, I made it especially for us! 'Course, you might sense the bitterness in my own account, but ah, screw Killua anyway. He'll die eventually with all that goody-goody going around, y'know. Anyway, look at this trick:

O=----- -----=O  
O=----- -----=O

Hehe, ain't it neat? I was trying to shape up a computer for myself, a raven for Allu, Mike for Kallu and probably a pink pussycat for Killua (he's such a sweet softy that I'm planning to give his cat a bow too - feh, at least Kallu gets a monster pet). 'Course, certain fonts tend to destroy the effects, but ah! Screw 'em all as well anyway. 

Happy freakin' birthday!

-Millu 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: ishouldbethefrigginheir@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: You disgusting pervert!

Oh yeah, deny the obvious. Didn't you just get an invitation for a scheduled sex session? Y'know, it's okay. I mean, I get those things too. 'Course, I go after loose women, but hey, to each his own, eh?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: ishouldbethefrigginheir@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: Yuck...

You sound like a prudish elder sister, aniki. You know, I'm not really sure if you're still a virgin, but saying that you are, I suggest you take your loony boyfriend's invitation. I swear it'd do you good. A prude at your age isn't healthy unless you want to prove grandma's point true. (and we both know how disgraceful THAT is. Oh yeah, dad didn't tell you, did he? With good reasons, y'know, keeping it is for your own good. 'Course, pay me and I might consider your freedom to know what you must, hehe.)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

From: mikeiscute@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: From Karuto

Dear Aniki, 

Hello Aniki, I hope you're fine. Mike needs a new pack of pet foods. He likes his humans fat, okay? 

Much love,  
Karuto-chan

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From: ishouldbethefrigginheir@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: Do you think Karuto's getting cannibalistic?

Ah, there goes my appetite. Oh well, I'm on a diet anyway. They say "love" has a different meaning to the Zoldick's, Aniki. Karuto loves her pet, she cares crap for humans. Get it? Yech, so much for pork rinds...

Oh yeah. Thanks for the putting that 10,000,000 on my account. It's really nice doing business with you, you know that? Attached is grandma's statement from the latest Family Forum 101. I've been keeping track of them lately ever since you and Killua started acting weird. Hehe, you guys rock. 

Attachment: familyforum#65.wav

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From: joker@trumpcard.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: A eunuch!? My family thinks I'm a fucking eunuch!?!?

*gasp* That is SO wrong! You don't need to be a eunuch to gain your powers, you're already good! Don't worry Illumi-kun, I know that you're not a eunuch. I mean, you can't be one. I dreamt of you last night and I'm quite sure that I had loads of fun with you there. I wish we could do that sometime. Maybe when we meet again I'll tell you more about it, ne? ^.~

Illumi, come here soon, okay? *glomps*

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Yo Ani, guess what!

I would just like to thank you for giving Hisoka preoccupied lately. Last time I checked you two were not talking to each other so I almost thought that he might come back looking for Gon again or something. But Hisoka's fine now, he said that you forgave him on your birthday. He said that it was so sweet of you because even if it was supposed to be _your_ day, you're the one who gave him the present. And I agree, that is, if what he said was true. No offense but you and 'sweet' never went well together, you know? 

Got my monthly report about the Family Forum from Milluki yesterday. Fortunately, the fat pig said it didn't include me much because you were the main focus of the discussions. So I suppose you missed this month's forum, huh? I wonder what they talked about...

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From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: For Illumi Zoldick

I've been thinking about it. Since there are but a few people who are equal to my powers and beauty, I have decided to make you and I an honorary couple. To back-up my decision, here is a list of the names of people I've been considering:

a. Illumi Zoldick  
b. Kurapika  
c. Hisoka  
d. Pakunoda  
e. Neon Nostrard  
f. Machi

Kurapika is too temperamental for my taste. As I've mentioned before, he is a bitter child who can't accept the superiority of the people that are far more better than he is. A fight for dominance might hinder the relationship, so to say. Hisoka is insane, and much as a crazy lover might be a good thing, I don't want to be bitten in the wrong places. As for Pakunoda, well, she's dead. Kurapika killed her. Another minus point for Kurapika, by the way. Then there's that Nostrard girl. She'd do fine, but she likes pink. Which leaves you and Machi. Machi is pretty, but you've got nicer hair. 

I hope you'll consider the offer. Thank you for your time.

Truly,

KURORO   
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan  
The coolest character EVER  
In your face, Kurapika!

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From: joker@trumpcard.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Illu-chan, Kuroro's fighting with me!!! 0

Illu-chan, you love me, right? You love me more than Kuroro because we've known each other for almost 10 years now, right? And Kuroro is a sick ass who resembles a corpse, right? Waaahh, Illu-chan, that bastard told me that you two are going to be an item! I know it isn't true, just as I know that you're not a eunuch because we love each other and we know each other very well, ne? 

For the record, I'm better than him in bed. Consider the thought, okay? I love you~!!! *smoochies* 

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From: thespidersucks@kurutaclan.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: I'm desperate. Can you be my friend?

..........are you sure you got the right address?

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From: thespidersucks@kurutaclan.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: Would it help if I say that I'm really REALLY desperate?

Oh, right! You're with Hisoka, aren't you. I totally forgot that, sorry. Well, I have nothing to give you right now since we never really had much interaction before. Technically, aside from being Killua's brother, you're a stranger.

But speaking of Hisoka, I _might _have something for you.It's something like that of what Hisoka sent me last time, kind of a horror really, but boredom is a productive thing, so I revised some things. Besides, with a companion like Hisoka, it might be of help to you some time in the future. Good luck!

Attachment: 101_interesting_things_you_can_do_if_you're_boyfriend_is_a_psychopath_and_there's_a_brown-out_and_you're a~ll_alone.txt 

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From: joker@trumpcard.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: What the fuck is this crap??

That's a gift I gave Kurapika so he and his boyfriend-in-denial would have a bit of fun together. Hm...I see that he revised it. I knew that kid had it in him. But wait a second...

Ooooohh!!! I knew you'll choose me! *glomps* Hahaha, lick my ass Kuroro!

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From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Are you ill, Illumi-san?

I think I've made myself perfectly clear, so I assume that the only person who would refuse my offer would either be mad or under the influence of hypnotism or a love potion. Hisoka is a henka, but perhaps he learned the art someplace else. I'll come for you next thing in the morning and we'll have you checked. 

Truly,

KURORO   
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan  
The coolest character EVER  
In your face, Kurapika!

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From: ishouldbethefrigginheir@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: You're all lunatics!!!

That's what you get for not using our family's domain. 

Besides, I told you to get a haircut, but did you listen? Not many people believe in my inner genius. 

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From: mikeiscute@zoldicksrule.kukulu.com  
To: 1st_child@kukulu.com  
Subject: Re: I love you, you're my only hope...

Dear Aniki, 

Aniki, I missed you too. I'm fine. Mike-chan had killed 5 probable suitors-to-be just yesterday. I don't understand why I have to have an arranged marriage at this age. Mother is still looking for the young men, but she'll forget them later on. Yes, humans are pathetic and dumb. I don't understand why we even have to mingle with them. Our race should just concur everyone and have them as our slaves. When I grow up, I'll tell father. 

Oh yes. I have to tell you something, by the way. I'm a member of the Geneiryodan now. Father approved, he said it'll add to my experience. I'll be meeting the leader of the group later. Kuroro, I think. Would you like to come?

Much love,  
Karuto-chan

**A/N: **Wahahahaha! That's it for part 2. You might notice that I absolutely worship Illumi so. Also, there is not enough KuroIllu out there, so things kind of got hell-bent with Kuroro ^^; Yeah, I don't believe in KuroKura, Kuroro's evil, you see. He goes better with Illumi, mwahahaha! *gets maimed with kitchen utensils* I'm planning to convert to KuroIllu for about a month or so to generate fanfics for that pair, then convert back to HisoIllu by the time Hisoka starts shoving raw cuttlefish down my throat in my dreams or something. Oh to hell with it all. 

Chapter 9 of Games is done (just in case I get barraged with questions about it), I'll just edit it a bit more because I always fall asleep around the middle part. Either chapter 9 isn't good or doing a thesis proposal and an investigatory paper while grammar and spell checking your fanfic isn't good. According to Frontpage, there is no such word as "investigatory", but to hell with that, that's the title of what I'm doing XP


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